Oh Me of Fragile Faith

Posted By on Jan 8, 2015 | 14 comments

Wow. This blog page sure is dusty.

It’s been over six months since I have even logged on to my website. Oh, I drafted several posts, only to delete them. And the few I saved are in a file to maybe finish later. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to write. Trust me – I had plenty of material.

It’s just I couldn’t find the right words to describe where I have been in life. And it’s a tough process facing weakness. Ugh.

I was so excited when I started blogging. Writing has always been a passion, a form of worship, really.  Connecting words to sentences to paragraphs to stories burns inside me. I imagine it’s much like the a singer whose voice calls others to praise, or a pianist through whose fingers the Holy Spirit flows. Or the teacher who opens her mouth and unexpected words which will touch hearts pour out. Those few, sweet moments when God speaks through me are treasured and beyond description.

For three years I openly shared what God has been doing in my life. My desire has been for writer and reader to encourage one another as we go through life’s ups and downs. But last year I came up against some big struggles. The details are not important, but I can assure you the evil one sucker punched me several times to the point of exhaustion and despair.

And the fear. Fueled by confusion, the final knock out punch left me crumpled on the ground. And not figuratively. Seriously.  On.  The.  Ground.

All my words of encouragement dried up.

And I started questioning God.

Not in the “I’m-walking-away-from-You” kind of way. But in doubt. And in wishing the ways of God were not so. When a friend died and I was uncertain about her eternity, I grieved hard. Other trials soon followed. And when what I believed was put to the test, I wrestled like Jacob to accept what I could not understand. There is one God. I am not Him. His ways are beyond my comprehension. Strangely, this is where comfort and peace has been found. I can trust only in the God I cannot wrap my mind around.

But the funny thing about questioning the incomprehensible God? He slowly revealed answers to questions I had not asked. Unveiling Himself in portions small enough for me to take in, yet nourishing enough to feed my starving soul.

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He’s taught me much on forgiveness and simplicity and judging and stillness. And surrender. Perhaps, as I return to writing, I will share those thoughts in days to come. But perhaps not. I do know, as I feel free to write again, some things will remain between God and me. Not every experience needs to be shared. Not every thought needs to be expressed. We’ll see where He leads.

Through these battles, I am coming to terms with the fragility of my faith. Accepting that on this earth I will always be more human than holy. The imperfect being made perfect by the Perfect One. Completely dependent upon Him who loves me, and loves you, bigger than the whole wide world. And in embracing weakness, I am stronger through His power.

Thank you, my friends, for coming back to Hearts Unfold with me. I step back in cautiously, not knowing what future posts will look like. I’ve changed. My perspective is different. But I do know I am filled with hope. With a longing for a fuller, deeper relationship with Christ. And ready to plunge into scripture to discover transformational truths.

Let’s move forward together. Engage in discussion. And trust in what God chooses to reveal.  And what He does not.

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  1. Beth, you are such a gift. Thank you for your transparency. So grateful the Lord crossed our paths. Praying for you!!

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  2. Beth,
    I am glad to see that you’ve started writing again. It means that you’ve learned some things about yourself and again feel comfortable enough with us to express them. The things we think we can’t allow others to see are not nearly as bad as we think. You know we’ve been tested in many of the same ways, and it makes one question whether one really believes what you’ve been professing all of your life. Having the patience to wait for the answers and accepting them no matter what expands our understanding of the infinite mind of God.

    I look forward to again reading your blog posts.

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    • Thank you, Tom! What an encouragement you have been to Jim and me. Your life is a testament of God’s faithfulness.

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  3. Dear Beth,

    Though I don’t know the specifics of your trials, I know that you are searching for the right answers and are looking to God for them. If you don’t have a copy of Mardi Collier’s book “what do I know about my God”, you should get it. It will help you see who God is and see all His perfect, holy traits. I love you friend.

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    • That sounds like a great book! Thank you for recommending, my friend.

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  4. Beth,

    What a great blessing this morning! I know I needed these words!

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    • We are in this life together, Elise. You are just as much an encouragement to others! Honestly, you have the best smile and consistently kind spirit. Keep shining!

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  5. Welcome back friend. Thanks for the encouragement and transparency. Love you.

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    • You, my friend, are such a blessing to my life. I am so grateful God has given you to me. Thanks for the daily laughs and real faith. Love you much.

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  6. What a sweet gift I received this morning! Words I needed to hear- thank you

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    • I have learned so much about pure worship and joy from you, Teresa. Every time I am with you I am joyful! You will never know how your prayers carried me during the tough times. Love you dearly.

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  7. Mr dear friend, thank you for being back blogging (bbb). I know I am not the only one who has missed you.
    I so understand your words in reference to my own life these last couple years. Papa is up to something…I believe He, through Holy Spirit, is pruning and sifting His children, preparing us for His plan for us individually, as well as His bride, the church. He is using some coarse holy sandpaper, which is painful, but oh so necessary. I love you, friend. With humble boldness, may we walk into the oceans (has been my theme song the last two years):

    You call me out upon the waters
    The great unknown where feet may fail
    And there I find You in the mystery
    In oceans deep
    My faith will stand

    And I will call upon Your name
    And keep my eyes above the waves
    When oceans rise
    My soul will rest in Your embrace
    For I am Yours and You are mine

    Your grace abounds in deepest waters
    Your sovereign hand
    Will be my guide
    Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
    You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

    So I will call upon Your name
    And keep my eyes above the waves
    When oceans rise
    My soul will rest in Your embrace
    For I am Yours and You are mine

    Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
    Let me walk upon the waters
    Wherever You would call me
    Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
    And my faith will be made stronger
    In the presence of my Savior

    Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!

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    • Glad your back:) Looking forward to fresh words my friend.
      Once a blogger-always a blogger. Good word today…I am going through some things(been going through them for awhile now). Thanks Beth. Much needed.

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      • I know this is such a difficult time and words seem inadequate, Michelle. Praying for you and your family today. You are a blessed daughter to have been given Wayne as your dad. And he was equally blessed to have YOU as his daughter@

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