Wow. This blog page sure is dusty.
It’s been over six months since I have even logged on to my website. Oh, I drafted several posts, only to delete them. And the few I saved are in a file to maybe finish later. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to write. Trust me – I had plenty of material.
It’s just I couldn’t find the right words to describe where I have been in life. And it’s a tough process facing weakness. Ugh.
I was so excited when I started blogging. Writing has always been a passion, a form of worship, really. Connecting words to sentences to paragraphs to stories burns inside me. I imagine it’s much like the a singer whose voice calls others to praise, or a pianist through whose fingers the Holy Spirit flows. Or the teacher who opens her mouth and unexpected words which will touch hearts pour out. Those few, sweet moments when God speaks through me are treasured and beyond description.
For three years I openly shared what God has been doing in my life. My desire has been for writer and reader to encourage one another as we go through life’s ups and downs. But last year I came up against some big struggles. The details are not important, but I can assure you the evil one sucker punched me several times to the point of exhaustion and despair.
And the fear. Fueled by confusion, the final knock out punch left me crumpled on the ground. And not figuratively. Seriously. On. The. Ground.
All my words of encouragement dried up.
And I started questioning God.
Not in the “I’m-walking-away-from-You” kind of way. But in doubt. And in wishing the ways of God were not so. When a friend died and I was uncertain about her eternity, I grieved hard. Other trials soon followed. And when what I believed was put to the test, I wrestled like Jacob to accept what I could not understand. There is one God. I am not Him. His ways are beyond my comprehension. Strangely, this is where comfort and peace has been found. I can trust only in the God I cannot wrap my mind around.
But the funny thing about questioning the incomprehensible God? He slowly revealed answers to questions I had not asked. Unveiling Himself in portions small enough for me to take in, yet nourishing enough to feed my starving soul.
He’s taught me much on forgiveness and simplicity and judging and stillness. And surrender. Perhaps, as I return to writing, I will share those thoughts in days to come. But perhaps not. I do know, as I feel free to write again, some things will remain between God and me. Not every experience needs to be shared. Not every thought needs to be expressed. We’ll see where He leads.
Through these battles, I am coming to terms with the fragility of my faith. Accepting that on this earth I will always be more human than holy. The imperfect being made perfect by the Perfect One. Completely dependent upon Him who loves me, and loves you, bigger than the whole wide world. And in embracing weakness, I am stronger through His power.
Thank you, my friends, for coming back to Hearts Unfold with me. I step back in cautiously, not knowing what future posts will look like. I’ve changed. My perspective is different. But I do know I am filled with hope. With a longing for a fuller, deeper relationship with Christ. And ready to plunge into scripture to discover transformational truths.
Let’s move forward together. Engage in discussion. And trust in what God chooses to reveal. And what He does not.
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